Monday, August 23, 2010

I have a question

What do you think of men? That's the short question.

Long before I counted myself a member of the finest club on earth (The Lesbians), I had observed, lived to know, etc. that men come and go and are not to be depended upon for mental or emotional stability. Bringing home the bacon? Sometimes. But only when I was recently full of chicken.

I was told tonight that "there are some good ones, few and far between maybe, but there are some good ones." OK. I all but told her to "go on with her bad self."

Strangely enough, my front porch mentor on the subject of "good men" went on to tell me the saddest story of her perfect man, her "Bubba." This is a man that raised her and loved her though he had no biological or legal reason to. She loves him. He loves her.

Unless . . . she brings home a black man (she's white) or a woman. And in which case she's "done."

A similar situation in my own life put the nail in my "good men" coffin.

So the long question is, Ladies, straight, gay, ambiguous, young and old, how do you live with, communicate with, make love to, leave, stay with, defend yourself from, cling to, hope for, grieve for the men in your lives?

Do you revel in their different-ness? Celebrate the wonder of life? Do you endure heartache? Abuse? Have you found your "other half"? Do you clamor sometimes foolishly for their attention? And if so, to what end? Why? Do you trust them? Do they disappoint you? Do they lift you up? Do they take care of you? Do you take care of them?

I am truly and gratefully interested in the good, the bad and the ugly.


  1. What a great question.

    I have experienced many different scenarios with men. From abandonment to physical, sexual and emotional abuse, I have seen many negative sides of men.

    I am also raising a son. This fact alone makes me find the good attributes. It makes me aware of the positive encounters with men in my life because I have to teach my son self-love and acceptance and respect.

    I think I want to think this question over some more.

  2. Please forward this on to other women. I really want to discuss this.

    I too am raising boys, 3 boys actually. I struggle with teaching them compassion and loyalty and tolerance because I'm not sure that they are hardwired to hear it. It is frustrating to battle with Nature.

  3. Some of the people I love the most are men. My dad, it's true, he has his flaws. He hates gays. Has a good dose of racism too. But he's the kindest, most generous person I've ever known. He's such a good man, he's done so much good in his life, helped so many people and never advertises the fact. He just quietly goes on and steps in where needed with his employees, his family, anyone that comes into his life. Many things I've only found out about purely by accident. None of us are perfect right? We all need to learn.

    I hate that so many women have had such bad experiences that they've learnt to distrust men as a whole. I think the world needs more good father figures, who can teach boys how to be men through example.

    My nephews, I hope, will absorb the values that we teach them. They are so loved and treasured, I can't imagine it not happening. I've taught my beautiful boy that cuddling is good, to be gentle with animals and people is good, and that we never hurt anyone or anything weaker than ourselves. I hope it sticks.

  4. I think you are just drawn toward the people you are drawn toward...because of those same reasons you mentioned above (how do you live with, communicate with, make love to, leave, stay with, defend yourself from, cling to, hope for, grieve for...), you do it because you love them. I've done all those things (not physical love) to and for all the people I love.

    Dena (The Normanist Theory - I've got a new blog now)

  5. Hey Windy-

    I keep deleting my comments. It's way too much to wrap my brain around this evening.

    It's so good to hear from you.

  6. That one is so deep and a tough one. I love my father dearly and my son, and the other men in my family. They were always my protectors when they knew I needed protecting. But when they didn't it was generally males causing the pain and trouble.

    I love my son dearly. And I am doing my best to raise him to treat women with care and respect. To be what a woman would generally consider a good man. A higher standard than I believe men hold for themselves. I want him to know love, trust, respect and loyalty in his relationships.

    And he is very different from me. I will never understand that whole testosterone thing that happens when they hit the football field together but I do know it's good for him. I want him to have the ability to navigate in all worlds while always knowing he's better than any stereotype

  7. Got an award over at my place you for. :)

  8. sorry to hear about what obviously went badly, again... perhaps this is why communication has been too sparse lately.