I didn't see that coming . . .

Remember how I stole my Mom's car? That was a month ago. I still had it up until last night at about 10:00. That's when my mother knocked on my front door, totally unannounced. She had her loyal houseman Juan with her. They were here for the car.

She was dressed to the nines, very chipper and acting as though nothing is wrong between us. At some point she threatened to spank me. I don't know what that's about.

They drank a glass of water and headed out, bound for Jackson, MS which is about 4.5 hours away. Dawn and I got in bed. About 20 minutes later, another knock on the door. She was back. She had lost Juan who was driving the rental car that still had her purse and cell phone in it. She couldn't remember his cell phone number. Dawn had to go handle that one. I was close to combustion.

Dawn called her this morning. She said they made it back at about 4 a.m. No idea what took them so long.

What the Fuck!?

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Jiggity Jig

I'm home. I know, it's a little sooner than I anticipated. Dawn's going to have to tell you about that. I'm too tired.

I was only there for about 48 hours, but each one hung heavy. Madison, a northern suburb of Jackson where my mother's house is, has grown up a lot since I left there in 97, so I'm not very comfortable with getting around. All of that was to explain how I ended up at the grocery store .25 mile from my Dad's house instead of the one .25 mile from my mom's house. Honestly that one is only about 2.5 miles from my Dad's house, but every inch counts in this relationship.

I imagined myself alternately as a mouse in a maze and some sort of night-vision-goggle bespecled Special Ops recon scout type. I was armed only with my buggy, a hastily compiled list, and the intense desire to survive a.k.a get the hell out of there with everything on the list and without seeing anyone that I know, or knew as the case certainly is.

I did my dead level best to keep my head down, only lifting my eyes at the top of each aisle to check the item sign and make sure the coast was clear of familiar faces.

By the time I got back to the car and had conned a poor passerby into taking the buggy for me, I was sweating, shaking and hyperventalating. After I wove my way back to my mother's house I opened a beer, lit a cigarette and all but cursed her for forcing me back to this hell-hole of a geographic dot.

God, how I hate Mississippi!

Leave it to my Mom to alienate the last person who gives a rat's ass about her. So I got to come home today. Dawn was happy I was coming, of course. When I got here, she was waiting on the porch with a pair of beers, hanging up with Propane. She had a paint brush in her hand.

Pictures of the complete project tomorrow. If you're prone to vomiting brought on by intense sweetness, skip tomorrow's post.

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Truth, Truth and Nothing But

Here it is. I have to go to Jackson, Mississippi (F*#k!) armed only with a Power of Attorney. I have to take control of my mother's finances, put her house on the market, file her taxes, apply for a mortgage and somehow get her back in the car to bring her back to Florida. I'm doing this because she has just in the last few days revealed that she has been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's. Again, F*#k!

Complication: I have to take William and Ray with me because Dawn has been called into work this week. Attorney, Accountant, Banker, Realtor with 2 toddlers in tow.

I sat down with Dawn to try and think of someone that could care for them for a few days.

Options: 1 set of Grandparents live right down the road in the next town. They're out of town until tonight and are somewhat infamous for their lackluster enthusiasm for extended visits from the boys. They're more the get them for the afternoon and bring them home sort. So, moving along.

Option 2: My dad and his wife and their 3 semi-adult children all live in Jackson. Perfect, right? Not so much. I'm pretty much totally estranged from them. (I'm gay. And I divorced a member of the service to be gay. Oh! And my new love interest has 2 brown children. AND as if all of that isn't scandalous enough, Dawn's ethnicity is also in question. You all know about those black folks that live in the frozen tundra of North Dakota, right?)

I finally just cracked up. Dawn said, "What is so funny?" I said, "You want to hear some real shit? Listen to this."

I reviewed for her the above options. We again came to the conclusion that both were no-gos. I said, "We are all but totally surrounded by blood relatives that should be jumping at the chance to have these boys for a few days, but instead I'm over here wondering how much it would cost to fly in Nanny Lesbo or Jude's R from clear across the country. That's messed up."

And that, my friends, is the truth.


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