Monday, November 2, 2009

Me, Me, Me

I have some terrible news. I have some fabulous news. Cry with me, OK? Sing and Dance with me, will you?

Today, I walked away from mother. I sighed, looked up at the ceiling, took a deep breath, looked at Dawn, put my shoes on and walked away. I rode the elevator down to the ground floor, walked across a parking lot, leaned on my van and smoked a forbidden cigarette. The last 20 years swam in my tears and I made a decision.

Me. Me. Me. I'm going to live for me now. I am all done with her cyclone of misery. I choose to live. I choose to spend my energy and love with Dawn, Storm, Faith, William, Ray, Mimi, our close friends - the family that we have built and nurtured despite never being taught how.

I decided to stop being her daughter - subject to her whims, abuse and even the dictations of her DNA that multiplies in my cells. I decided to be my children's mother, and mommy, and protector. I decided that enough is enough.

Laughter - I've missed it. I'm funny - I had almost forgotten. I am happy - who knew?

Even at this moment, when cobwebs rank with her decaying funk are still clinging to me, I have much love and great hope. I can see Dawn's halo again, and I can feel it's glow on my dried skin. My children are singing, not whining. Dancing with me, not tripping me. I adore them.

Please forgive my nauseating cliches. Please forgive my worn out metaphors. Please forgive my decidedly uncreative stabs at prose tonight. You'll give me a break - I know you will. I know you will because you have stuck with me through this game of family Chinese checkers. You have hugged me and dried my tears. You have been my friends.

I'm sure my writing will pick up. Give me a second, will you?



  1. Ah sweetheart. I walked away from my mother a long time ago. Guess what? She's fine. Guess what else? So am I.
    Live for yourself, live for your babies. Live for your love.

  2. And as always..... i love you pretty girl.

  3. seconds over... now get back to- "LIFE IS BETTER THAN GOOD" ~woman,butthead.

    ""the family that we have built and nurtured despite never being taught how."" DEEP, so very true and deep. that is why we have all found each other isn't it?

    new project for you, write me a children's short (short!) story and i will TRY to illustrate it... something with animals maybe?

  4. I'm proud of you. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't the easiest thing to do.

  5. My mom is mentally ill and physically ill. I kind of understand. Dawn, the kids and,you have been in my thoughts. I hope things get better. (((hugs))))

  6. Take ALL the time you need. We will be here for you.

    hugs and then some.

  7. i love this.
    so happy for you.

  8. this hit me right in the gut on so many levels...I admire your strength and your soul :)

  9. Wow. Big decision! And one that only you could make. Hoping it brings you the peace you deserve. And may you find your feet and your happiness again :)

  10. I've never commented before... I found you linked from another blog and have been reading for a few weeks now... I keep meaning to comment and not finding the time, but it just takes a moment to let you know I am CHEERING for you! Good for you!

  11. You are doing the right thing. For you, for your family. (((hugs)))

  12. A great new look, a great new decision... what is next? sounds like a great new children's book! Go for it, you two!!

    It isn't easy walking away from a family member with an illness. (my mom too) But you are right, you gotta live! She can't live HER life and take YOURS too, and the dearest years of your children's as well.

  13. "the family that we have built and nurtured despite never being taught how."

    That is brilliant... and so true for so many people.

    I walked away from my mother as well. I understand what you are going through and am here if you need to vent!

    We'll be waiting for you... take the time you need!

  14. what a big step, glad you have dawn to help! glad you are on your way back!

  15. I am very proud of you. That was a tough desison to make, I had to do the same thing yeas ago when my mothers mental illness go to be too much. You my dear are not alone.

  16. Oh, honey. I'm happy for you and sad for you, too. It's a confusing feeling, and laden with guilt, I know, but it is the absolute best thing you can do. I've considered the same with my mom, and she's not as bad as yours. How you've lasted this long, I don't know.

    I wish you a fresh start that stays fresh.

    Wow. That sounds like a douche commercial.

    I mean, uh, I hope you're able to resist being drawn back into her web, and that you achieve the peace you seek.

    There. Much less douche that go-round.

  17. She will be fine and you will be even better than good

  18. Nothing but love and peace to you B. Life is better than good. xo

  19. big time hugs to you!!! So sorry and at the same time very happy for you for standing up for your self and being happy!!!