Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Good, the Bad and the Heartbreaking

It's Father's Day. Yikes. Not my favorite day. I have a tenuous, at best, relationship with my dad. My step-dad who I lived with for 10 years is long gone. My father's father hasn't spoken to me since I left my husband. My mother's father is struggling against his daughters who just won't let him die. And the father of my sons is in Iraq, hating my guts when he has the time.

I made a slide show with pictures of the boys and catchy diddies and sent it out this morning. My ex will hate the music and tell me about it. My father won't be able to open it. My ex's father will love it, show it to everyone and never mention it to me. I hate futility. And I really hate my compulsion to participate in it. I simply can't help myself; I'm a glutton for punishment.

In the midst of all of this self-pity, I may have made a semi-brilliant decision. (Did you notice all the outs I gave myself right there?) I'm going to start really working on my book. It's been seeding and putting down apprehensive roots in my drought-prone mind for quite some time. The timing of Caleb's visit and Father's Day, though has brought on the rain, I think. (I'm all done with that terribly cliche imagery now. **Collective Sigh of Relief**)

Lesbians, Butches, Femmes, Dykes, Lady-Lickers of all walks, shapes, sizes, colors, ages, creeds, ethnic and national origins, I need your help. I would like to hear your stories about your fathers. The Good, the Bad and the Heartbreaking. If you're willing to share with me, would you please email me ( )? Thank you, my friends.


  1. amazing slide show, and a great idea for a book. it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, and you do it well. Me? Not quite there. :) I try. It makes me sad to know that things aren't quite where you want them to be with the men in your life, but your wife and kids seem like pretty great stabilizers.

  2. B., I LOVE the post, I LOVE your new email addy, I LOVE that you've linked to Heifer Int'l, but most of all, I LOVE YOU (and Margo!).

  3. Beautiful and perfect slideshow. I cannot wait to see the kids. Oh, and you guys, too. ;-) I think Nate and Ray will get along like gangbusters, with their mutual love of wheeled things.

    Do you really think Jack hates you? I thought you guys were pretty amicable there for a while. I'm sure it's going to take time for there to stop being hurt feelings, but I'm just wondering if he's said ugly things to you to make you think that, or if you just assume he does. I hate to think of you putting yourself in more pain than you actually need to experience. Or maybe I just can't stand the thought of two people I love hating each other. You know I'm kind of a hippie at heart and just want everyone to love each other and shit.

    I'm sorry Father's Day is such a sore spot. You and Dawn should celebrate yourselves, since you're both mothers and fathers to those wonderful children. And because you're just both naturally awesome and should take every opportunity to celebrate yourselves!

  4. I agree. I know a lot of single moms that do that with their kids (refering to post above.) You should just take-on father's day as a celebration of the parenting you and Margo provide for you beautiful kiddies. Buy yourselves a big chocolate cake.

    Also, I had a gf in highschool (for reals). Does that count?

  5. That pic of the shoes together pulls on the heart strings. We expect that the men who raised us, if we had/have them, would be involved in our lives the same way they were (unless they weren't!) when we were being taken to classrooms.

    The day you had to count to ten, the day you had to dissect a frog, prom night, 'the talk' -- should be their joy, their memories of taking those steps with you, and even more so when you find your Love. Life is like a big classroom, is it not? new things, new people, fights at the playground, falling off the monkey bars... remember how Margo can hang from the bars for a REALLY long time?

    Well, I wanna say to you, HANG IN THERE !! WE will be your friends. No bullies allowed.