Thursday, July 9, 2009

New Kicks

Yes, I think that is a fat roll on my ankles. And yes, that is definitely a faux-wood parquet floor. And yes, you're seeing correctly, the previous owner wasn't big on right angles.

While I wasn't looking, I got fat. I know how it happened; I just don't know when it happened. Recently will suffice as a timeline.

I weighed exactly 118 smokin' hot lbs when I got married 8 years ago. I know because I weighed myself on that morning which will live in infamy. Because it was the single hottest day of the Mississippi summer and I was easily wearing 6 lbs of tulle, I probably only weighed 116 by the end of the day. But I digress.

2 pregnancies, 1 divorce and 3 estranged parents later, I weigh 130 lbs. I know because when I was at a friend's house for our group yard sale, I got on her scale. It seemed a little hesitant to tell me the truth. The red lights chased each other around the digital track until they could run no more. And then, after elbowing each other and hissing secretive obscenities, 1, 3 and 0 were elected to break the news to me.

I wasn't surprised. I was, if possible, somewhat elated. I expected it to be much worse.

Some of you will curse me. Go ahead. In the grand scheme of American female weight troubles, I don't get to complain. I know. I've worn a size 6 since I was in high school. I can still get into my junior year prom dress, but it's not cute. In the words of my mother, "Just because you can zip it, doesn't mean you can wear it." Tru Dat.

Did anyone else see the series of Oprah episodes where she had women from like 27 different countries on to talk about all things womanly in their respective countries? After the series was done, she had a reunion show with ALL of the women on together. She asked them, "What do women around the world think of American Women? They were all in agreement when the (I think) Kuwaiti woman sheepishly said, "They are all fat?" Again, Tru Dat.

I am floored whenever I am forced to cross over the Mississippi state line. It's usually for deaths. I can think of few living reasons to go back there. The point is that prior to my recent (perceived) weight gain, I had counted myself as a wholly mutant Mississippian. Gay and skinny. 1 for 2 just isn't working for me.

So I bought some shoes. As some of you know, I am a loyal Crocs consumer and recycler. In the last 3 years, I have only worn something other than Crocs on 2 days - my sons' Christenings. Crocs, however, doesn't make an athletic shoe, so I was forced to shop. On eBay. (I can't abandon all my values.)

I was reminded, thankfully, of my previous favorite shoe. The Asics Tiger. I'll kick any of you in the shin if you laugh at this next part. Propane, Les and Jude need to be especially careful because I'll have an affordable opportunity here soon. You see, I was a cheerleader. I was the co-captain of the Middle School Cheerleading Squad. The St. Andrew's Saints. The Blue and White. The overly educated and poorly socialized Episcopalians and friends of Episcopalians of Suburbian Jackson, Mississippi.

These shoes may be the most practical thing that I came away from that school with. We'll see. If I didn't have 4 children and 1 sleeping wife I would already be beating the streets in these babies. But alas, I work out my fingers instead. My new ipod shuffle (also from eBay) should be here tomorrow, so I can walk/sprint/walk/sprint/walk while Stephen King or James Patterson or Michael Connelly tells me a bloody tale worth running from.

So come October 1, (yes, Judey Jude, we're coming a day early. I simply cannot miss grocery shopping in a Whole Foods or some comparably Hippie-ish establishment. ) I fully expect to only be tipping the scales to 122. That's my goal. 8 lbs in 85 days. Think I can do it?



  1. girl, those shoes are hawt!
    loving the color scheme!
    and who doesn't love whole foods?! totally getting dinner there tonight. yummm!
    I cannot wait to see those shoes in the flesh in a few short months :)

  2. Of course you can! You are WOMAN.

    If you walk your little tooshie off, will Dawn still have anything to poke, squeeze, spank? Oy, maybe I'm not allowed to ask that... (heehee)

  3. A CHEERLEADER!!!! Oh. My. God. Bwahahahaha. Oh. God. I can't STOP laughing. hahahahahaha

    If I'm drunk enough, I'll show you my cheer. It's short and sweet and a golden oldie. LMAO

    So you were the ever popular stuck up your ass cheerleader and I was the shy, ass backwards, unpopular, often made fun of band fag. We are a match made in heaven....LMAO

    And sweetie, I out weigh you by 40 pounds so shut the hell up!!! LMAO

  4. If you want a walking buddy I'm your girl.

  5. So what's wrong with being a cheerleader? What's your point? (I was a cheerleader in middle school, too, only we called it Junior High back in the olden days).
    Shoes symbolize a lot of things, I think. Comfortable shoes. Fuck-me pumps. Birkenstocks. Patent leather boots.
    Okay. Where was I going with this? I have no idea. Mostly I'm barefooted. But I surely do have my walking shoes and when I put them on, I go walk.
    They're not as cool as yours, though. Sigh.
    You can lose weight if you want to. Why not? But just remember that you're beautiful no matter what.

  6. But hey, I want to be able to have something to hug besides bones!

    So you're going to be doing the rahrah cheers as two teams do battle on the sand playing volleyball?

    Nice sneaks! and I'm thrilled with the day early.

  7. You are not fat. You may be heavier than you want to be, but you are nowhere near fat. I still outweigh you by....well, a lot.

    I dig the shoes. And you, you dork.

  8. The shoes ... where is the outfit to go with them??? The Crocs need to go, time to update, with Keens. I promise you, you'll never go back.

    130 lbs? I remember that weight in high school, which has now been over 20 years ago. So fuck you!

    Cheerleader? ROFLMAO Really? ROFLMAO!!!!!

    *still giggling*

  9. Dawg- so now that you she going to cheer - not just that but her and Amy are having a cheer-off are you coming to SD?
    Come on Dawg, SD, SD, SD.

    Bring your keens too. I dont' know if you'll change Windy's mind, but I'm ready for something new.

  10. Honey, please. 130 was what I weighed in highschool! I think of it as a "skinny weight". Sigh. I know what you mean though, we all feel that way sometimes. I need to get off my ass and follow your lead.

    Nice shoes!

  11. Keens are awesome but you go with the new walking shoes! Y

    ou're not fat by a long shot but yes, you can lose the weight you want. :)

    And I am really thinking we need cheering videos up after this trip!

  12. There will be NOOOOOOO Cheer offs and NOTHING on video that will ruin the badass butch persona that I have.... Windy said I was badass!! LMFAO. Man is SHE in for a surprise when she meets me

  13. I'm with Dawg ... gotta go to Keens! You'll never regret it.

    I love the "Just because you can zip it doesn't mean you should wear it" phrase. I might need to steal that, is that ok?

    And if it makes you feel any better, I've always been a big fan of cheerleaders! I used to dive into their formations when I played ball in high school and college.