Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Sweet, sweet Dawn has sent me to Barnes and Noble for some solitude. I have the laptop, my phone and an Iced Mocha. What did I forget? What? Oh! Right. The iPod.

I have an eerie ability to eavesdrop. I can follow several conversations going on around me and not miss a beat in my own conversation. It can be fun, but it is also annoying as hell when I can't turn it off. Today, my brain got trapped a few tables over.

4 slightly older than middle-aged Republicans. 2 couples. Hetero, of course. They were bitching about the Stimulus Package.

"I heard a car dealer the other day saying that he's already collected $150,000 in cash for clunkers vouchers. Of course, he hasn't seen a dime of that money, yet."

Oh, yeah? Well that's because the program just started a week and a half ago. $150,000? He can't wait a few weeks for $150,000? It's a voucher backed by the government of the United States of America. Shut up.

"And now the dealers are having a hard time keeping cars on the lot. What are they to do?"

Oh, yeah? That's a great problem to have, dumbass. The answer? Order more. The dying automobile industry will be more than happy to crank out a few for him. By the way, are you a car dealer? No? Well . . . Shut up.

"And what about the cars that are getting traded in? They're just going to sell those, too."

No, moron. They're not. That would be in violation of the cash for clunkers program, thus negating their handy dandy vouchers. You don't actually know anything about this, do you? So Shut up.

"And what about the ones that won't sell? The junk dealers are just going to love that. Our nation's junk yards and landfills are going to be overflowing with beat up cars."

Actually, no dickfuck, the bleeding heart Dems have an answer for that, too. This administration has an exit strategy for these vehicles. Was that a dig? Yes, and just when I was thinking that maybe you weren't so good with subtlety and I might need to lay it on a little thicker.

And as long as we're talking about the landfills . . .that bottle of water that you're drinking will be there for the next 94 million gazillion years or so. Get a cup, ass wipe. Oh, and Shut up.

And now for my favorite quote of the day -

"You know I saw on CBS the other night about some folks going down off the cape of Africa and going out in a boat to watch sharks eat seals. The sharks jump out of the water and devour poor little seals. I say to you, What is this world coming to when people will pay thousands of dollars to see animals tortured?"

OK. Wow. Hard to know where to start. First of all, you didn't see it on CBS. It was on Discovery. And they're not "sharks." They're GREAT WHITES, the most perfect predator the world has ever known. They have remained largely unchanged for 400 million years. They predate the dinosaurs. They are living breathing fossils. These living breathing fossils weigh up to 5000 lbs and are longer than 4 of you laid tiptoe to stupid bigoted brain. They are so powerful and well adapted that they can propel their massive heft 12 ft from the surface of the water in their pursuit of a seal. Poor seals? Yes, they're cute aren't they? The island that the seals live on, has a population of about 6 million seals. They're OK.

By the way, that turkey croisandwich or whatever yuppie thing you just ate had turkey in it. That's how it got its name. That animal was raised in horrifyingly disgustingly unsanitary conditions. It was probably kept in the dark or blindfolded. When it was time to be "harvested" it was strapped by its feet to a conveyer belt that carried it upside down through a factory where it was plucked and decapitated after it spent the last hour or so of its life hearing the screaming of the ones that went before it.

If it was me, I'd choose being ambushed and swallowed in one big bite everyday and twice on Sundays instead of the horror of life and death in a meat factory, not to mention the indignity of ending up on a plate in front of someone who has no regard for the life that I didn't get to lead. Where is the honor in that?

And one more thing, fuckface, the people that spend the thousands of dollars to witness this miracle of nature are contributing to the conservation of our oceans and its inhabitants. Where do you vacation? I'll bet Cancun or the Bahamas, places that hardly resemble themselves now that the American Bastards (you) have done their Extreme Makeovers. Ancient ruins demolished, reef systems that took 1000s of years to form decimated in decades, native peoples exploited.

So long story short (too late) and not that I would have missed this opportunity to lay your ignorance bare, Fuck off.




  1. Damnnnnnn. Remind me to never piss you off...LOL

    I love you, Pretty Girl.

    And I got to the part about the turkey sandwich and I suddenly felt guilty as I'm shoveling my baked chicken into my mouth. I'm never reading your blog again while I eat meat.... LMAO

  2. oh my gosh....i only wish that you were able to actually talk to those four eggheads....you're too funny!

  3. Ooohhh.
    Now if you know me (and I think you do) I would have SAID something. I always try not to but then I begin to vibrate (which is not unlike trembling in a human) and then I just have to say, "Excuse me..."
    Someday I'm gonna get in trouble.
    But yes, standing ovation on this one, baby cakes.

  4. LOL wow, yeah, let them have it.

  5. i kept fist pumping the air while reading this. HELL YA!

  6. Dawg, yes of course. What would you have me do? I'm dead broke and willing to do just about anything. I'm not good at housekeeping and you seem really anal about that, so lets strike that from the list of possibilities. What else? I give a mean foot rub.